lack of sleep
insane commutes
no social life
no hobbies
no help
all work and no play make jane a dull girl.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Measuring Spoons and Meltdowns
Since 360 bit the dust I haven’t been blogging. I’m not sure why. I think about it a lot but never actually do it. Most of the time I decide that whatever I was thinking about posting is too boring or irrelevant. Sure everyone should write for themselves and not for others, but when the self in question struggles with its own purpose, meaning, and relevance, journaling takes on another meaning. Add a move and a bunch of kids into the mix and it is easy to just decide there isn’t time even though that isn’t really true but I digress.
My mom took her own life in 2007 shortly after my son was born. One of the first things I did once we got to her house was to collect her baking things: mixing bowl, measuring spoons, measuring cups, rolling pin, rectangle aluminum cake pan with lid, spritz press, wooden spoons, congo bar pan, etc... Mind you in a contradictory moment of severe self pity I got rid of her small frying pan because she would never be there to make me another “dippy egg” but holding onto the implements for cookies, congo bars, and krispy treats felt different. Using these things has brought me some comfort over the years even though I miss my mom terribly.
To make matters worse, last fall our place in Siler City was broken into. How does this relate? They stole my mother’s ashes. To this day they have not recovered her remains. Admitting this sounds ridiculous but it makes this weekend that much more palpable.
This brings me to Saturday morning. Fall was in the air, plans were made for hitting a small pumpkin patch and painting the porch in Siler City. Jtf made pancakes and coffee. The weekend was off to a good start. I go into the kitchen to start cleaning up and find my mother’s measuring spoons warped. Nausea, anger, sadness, all come flooding in. Yelling turned to tears and honestly had I not had a 4 year old watching this unfold I am not sure the kitchen would have survived my emotions.
Someone put the measuring spoons through the dishwasher (and no not jtf). They are old, plastic, from the 1970s. Why anyone would assume they are dishwasher safe is beyond me. I only ever use them for dry ingredients so a quick rinse in the sink and they’re good to go. Which is why, in fact, I had not placed them in the dishwasher myself and had left them on the counter. Are they still useable? Yes. Are they just a thing? Yes. Do they represent something more? Yes. In my mind they were seasoned with my mom’s touch and that has been thoughtlessly stripped away.
In a matter of seconds, my heart was broken. The tender scab on the wound had been ripped off. Copious amounts of salt poured in and the pain was too much. It feels like little by little what I have left of my mom is being taken away from me.
Nothing needs to be said. Life will go on. In time things will settle back to baseline. As anyone can tell you, you don’t get over these traumas, you learn to live with them and some days are better than others. Hoping for some brighter days ahead...
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, January 25, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I don't want to fade out I want to fade in.
I was listening to an old mix cd on the way to work today. My commute is about 1.5 hours so I've got time. For some reason the mix got me thinking about my relationship with music.
When I was younger, music was my life. I listened to music all the time. I volunteered to DJ a weekly radio show at a local college. Nearly every week I would visit an independent music store to browse for new music, for something I hadn't heard before. I read music magazines and had favorite radio shows. We went to live shows all the time. I will never forget Adam Ant's silver leather pants. Dear lord!
Honestly to this day, the best show I have ever seen was Suede. When they played Heroine, time stopped, the earth stood still. I was, for that brief moment in time, totally enraptured. Nothing else existed, nothing else mattered.
If you asked me then I would have told you without a doubt that I was headed for a career in music. I was going to be a DJ or a record store owner or work for an independent label.
Why didn't I pursue that path?
I am not really sure. Maybe because I didn't know how? Maybe because I thought a career "helping people" would be more meaningful? Maybe because I started to drift with the tide?
In any case my life has little to do with music these days and I am starting to realize how much I miss it. I rarely even listen to music anymore. The commute is often filled up by NPR or talk radio and it is time for that to change.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I wonder...
There is a woman in Gainesville that is a compulsive walker. She is rail thin. As far as I could tell, she walks every day. I have no idea how far she walks but she seems to have a circuit - not around town, but around the entire city. No matter how hot or how cold, she walks. She always wears a hat, long pants, a long sleeved shirt and a jacket. I often wondered how such a habit, if you can call it that, begins. Does it come about gradually? Or is it more acute? One day you're walking to your car and you just keep going and going and going?
Monday, November 9, 2009
I don't know why I do these things.
The Proust Questionnaire
The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature. Here is the basic Proust Questionnaire.
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Sitting in a cabin in the mountains with my family with no worries.
2. What is your greatest fear?
My greatest fear has already come true. Aside from that I fear that my career is not for me.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
That I have a hard time letting go, unclenching, living in the moment, and going with my gut.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Self absorption, rudeness.
5. Which living person do you most admire?
Anyone who had a dream and went for it or who has gone through terrible times and came up with their head held high. I admire my advisor for being good at what she does and for finding a balance in life. I admire Annie for going for her dream and succeeding.
6. What is your greatest extravagance?
Aveda Style Prep Smoother.
7. What is your current state of mind?
Tired, Hopeful, Anxious, Pensive, Unsure.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Patience.
9. On what occasion do you lie?
Not often and really I “omit” rather than flat out lie when I don’t feel like sharing.
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Being overweight. Also I am very veiny – you can see my veins through my skin easily. Ew.
11. Which living person do you most despise?
Anyone who is cruel to animals or children.
12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Humor, nice hands, the ability to fix things.
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Humor, being down to earth.
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Seriously. Come on.
15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Jason and Siler.
16. When and where were you happiest?
This is a tough one. A weekend at Animal Kingdom Lodge with my mom, dad, and Jason. Feb 5th, 2007 when Siler arrived. Seeing whales in Boston.
17. Which talent would you most like to have?
To play an instrument.
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would know what I wanted and go for it.
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Graduating with my PhD despite the loss of my son and my mom.
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
I don’t know. Maybe a tree in a national park.
21. Where would you most like to live?
The Big House. If there was nothing in the world to consider and money was not an issue: Monterey, CA.
22. What is your most treasured possession?
Big House.
23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Losing someone you love and wallowing in guilt and self blame over it.
24. What is your favorite occupation?
I don’t know. I’m thinking zoo keeper or park ranger at the moment…
25. What is your most marked characteristic?
I don’t know. Probably my not knowing.
26. What do you most value in your friends?
They’re funny, they don’t judge, and they’ve got my back – hopefully they know I’ve got theirs too.
27. Who are your favorite writers?
Sartre, Merrill Markoe.
28. Who is your hero of fiction?
Um. I just don’t think in these terms. Hero? Personal hero or superhero? Either way I have no clue.
29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I don’t know.
30. Who are your heroes in real life?
Anyone who has devoted themselves to rescuing animals and people from terrible situations. People who come up with solutions to problems.
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