I wonder...

There is a woman in Gainesville that is a compulsive walker. She is rail thin. As far as I could tell, she walks every day. I have no idea how far she walks but she seems to have a circuit - not around town, but around the entire city. No matter how hot or how cold, she walks. She always wears a hat, long pants, a long sleeved shirt and a jacket. I often wondered how such a habit, if you can call it that, begins. Does it come about gradually? Or is it more acute? One day you're walking to your car and you just keep going and going and going?

I don't know why I do these things.

The Proust Questionnaire

The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature. Here is the basic Proust Questionnaire.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Sitting in a cabin in the mountains with my family with no worries.

2. What is your greatest fear?

My greatest fear has already come true. Aside from that I fear that my career is not for me.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

That I have a hard time letting go, unclenching, living in the moment, and going with my gut.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Self absorption, rudeness.

5. Which living person do you most admire?

Anyone who had a dream and went for it or who has gone through terrible times and came up with their head held high. I admire my advisor for being good at what she does and for finding a balance in life. I admire Annie for going for her dream and succeeding.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?

Aveda Style Prep Smoother.

7. What is your current state of mind?

Tired, Hopeful, Anxious, Pensive, Unsure.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Patience.

9. On what occasion do you lie?

Not often and really I “omit” rather than flat out lie when I don’t feel like sharing.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?

Being overweight. Also I am very veiny – you can see my veins through my skin easily. Ew.

11. Which living person do you most despise?

Anyone who is cruel to animals or children.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?

Humor, nice hands, the ability to fix things.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Humor, being down to earth.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Seriously. Come on.

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Jason and Siler.

16. When and where were you happiest?

This is a tough one. A weekend at Animal Kingdom Lodge with my mom, dad, and Jason. Feb 5^th, 2007 when Siler arrived. Seeing whales in Boston.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?

To play an instrument.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would know what I wanted and go for it.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Graduating with my PhD despite the loss of my son and my mom.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

I don’t know. Maybe a tree in a national park.

21. Where would you most like to live?

The Big House. If there was nothing in the world to consider and money was not an issue: Monterey, CA.

22. What is your most treasured possession?

Big House.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Losing someone you love and wallowing in guilt and self blame over it.

24. What is your favorite occupation?

I don’t know. I’m thinking zoo keeper or park ranger at the moment…

25. What is your most marked characteristic?

I don’t know. Probably my not knowing.

26. What do you most value in your friends?

They’re funny, they don’t judge, and they’ve got my back – hopefully they know I’ve got theirs too.

27. Who are your favorite writers?

Sartre, Merrill Markoe.

28. Who is your hero of fiction?

Um. I just don’t think in these terms. Hero? Personal hero or superhero? Either way I have no clue.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

I don’t know.

30. Who are your heroes in real life?

Anyone who has devoted themselves to rescuing animals and people from terrible situations. People who come up with solutions to problems.

who's gonna drive you home...

As I entered Wilmington this morning and was passing the Corning plant I saw what I thought was a squirrel crossing the 6 lane highway. As I passed the animal I realized it was not a squirrel; it was a very small kitten. As soon as I could, I turned around and pulled over. The kitten was terrified and so very small. Somehow he had made it across all 6 lanes and was in the grass headed toward Corning. As I was corraling him against a chain link fence another person pulled over to help. Then a yard crew pulled over. We all worked together to get this little guy out of trouble. I was prepared to take him into the office but the man on the other side of the chain link fence decided to take him home. He said he was going to name him "Ally" for the alimony he would soon be paying after bringing that cat home to his wife. I told him not to worry - his wife would melt as soon as she saw the little blue-eyed calico. I hope it works out for them.

If life is a highway...

Over the past few weeks I've been getting used to my commute. Takes me about an hour and 20 to get to work. Most if it is a straight shot on I-40. On my way home last night the fuel light came on. I was probably about 30 minutes from home and there really is not much between here and there. I pull off on an exit with nothing listed on the food board, and only one "Pure" gas station listed on the fuel board. As I approach the off ramp the next sign says the gas station is 3 miles to the right. I drive and drive and see nothing. It is dark and I am starting to panic. No one wants to run out of gas alone, at night, in the middle of friggin nowhere. Finally about 10-15 miles later I end up in Mt. Olive. As I was pumping my gas I noticed the smell of pickles in the air. Mt. Olive, NC is THE Mt. Olive - Home of the pickle! Who knew?

http://www.mtolivepickles.com/

counting flowers on the wall

Our new home is located in a little subdivision nestled within very a rural area. I can see cows outside the family room window and hear mooing when I'm outside. I love it. The drive to and from the house in either direction is flanked by fields of tobacco, corn, soybean, and cotton. Things are quiet and people are kind. My brain can calm down here. Life is good.

bad boys bad boys watcha gonna do?

So I'm on the computer, half watching a 48 hours Mystery when I hear sirens, lots and lots of sirens - getting louder and louder. I then notice all the flashing blue lights strobing through the room. I peep out the window and see what must be over 10 police cars and SUVs, a German Sheppard and a Policeman. One of them starts yelling at presumably whomever they have chased down. STEP BACK, STEP BACK...ETC. Not knowing what would happen during the stand off I crouch down so that I am not near the window or anything that might come through it. Added to the medley - a helicopter. Holy Jeebus. Thanks to my peeps for chatting during the ordeal to keep me relatively calm.

Now things have cleared out. I called campus police and they sent an officer out to check the perimeter. He assured me that I was safe and that they patrol regularly. Again I'm not in a bad area per se but near one...SIGH. Gonna have to take some benadryl tonight to get to sleep.

I think the cats and I are packing up and moving out tomorrow morning.

has it only been 4 days cause it feels like a life time

I miss my boy.

bring it on down for homelessville

While getting my morning coffee I heard loud knocking on the front door. I peep out the window and see some guy standing there - knocking - incessantly. Knocking so loud in fact that he could not hear me yell: "Can I help you?"

He finally walked off and I got ready for the day. As I left I saw a police car out front and a man in a UNCW t-shirt speaking with the officer. Apparently they are looking for the guy who knocked on my door. As the police left, the UNCW guy came over to speak to me about safety. I am warned not to walk less than a block to the jiffy mart after dark. I am told that the neighborhood is safe but not safe. Apparently the knocker is a homeless person who has been stealing things and is "a little crazy." Great.

At least I feel safe on campus...

I booked myself into the YWCA, I said I like it here can I stay, I like it here can I stay - Do you have a vacancy...

Wow, it has been awhile.

The upcoming month is going to be difficult. I have no place to live. I may turn into an academic hobo, living on an air mattress in my office, using the student gym as my bathroom.

On a brighter note, the first draft of my dissertation has been submitted to the editorial office for review. I'll be defending July 21st and graduating August 8th!

A dreaded sunny day so I meet you at the cemetery gates.

I heard a commercial advertising a Wound Care center on the radio this morning.  It's strange how under most circumstances the body can heal itself.  Broken bones and torn flesh can mend.  Once healed - the wound is gone - the pain is gone.  Why don't our minds work this way?  Instead the mind actually picks our scabs, pours salt on open wounds.   Sigh.  

Missing my mom, missing Benjamin.

I need to get out of this funk.

Clams

I love clams.  I think the best clams I've ever had were Phil's steamed clams with garlic bread.  I rarely cook seafood at home because it's expensive and I'm afraid of messing it up or permeating the house with a horrible smell. 

That being said, we went to the Farmer's Market yesterday and bought some clams.  I figured at 30 cents a piece why not.  They were fresh, didn't smell at all - so I decided to take the leap.

  

Today I attempted to recreate Phil's clams: butter, white wine, chopped tomatoes, green onions, lots of chopped garlic - the only thing I was missing was fresh thyme.  The clams were friggin amazing.  I can cook clams!!!!!!!  

Who knew?

One of our neighbors died yesterday.   Apparently he was sick, but in the end, he fell in the bathroom and hit his head on the tub.  His roommate came in and found him in the bathroom, his dog Watson by his side. Shocking.  Unreal. Unnecessary.  

I don't care how many times a person confronts death - there is no comprehending why one day someone is walking around and laughing and the next day they're gone.  You will never hear their voice again.  You will never see them walking by.  All you can do is recognize the void.  

CJs car and truck are still parked where he left them.  His friends and family are in the process of dealing with their loss and all the aftermath that death throws on the table.  I would say I cannot imagine what they are going through, but unfortunately I know all too well.

We would see CJ and Watson out walking together almost everyday.   

He had a nice laugh.  

I'll miss him.

Rest in peace CJ.

things to see

Grand Canyon

Yellowstone in the winter

Grand Tetons 

Alaska

Glacier Park

Volunteer with the elephants in Sri Lanka, Thailand, or Africa

Giraffe Manor

Norway

New Zealand

Peru

Egypt

needles and pins - part 3

Today we checked the balance of my meridians.  This involved taking small sticks of burning incense and passing them over several points on my fingers and toes.  I was supposed to indicate when I felt the heat.  Any differences in sensitivity between the left or right side indicate that something is blocked.

Needles were inserted into my calf, wrists, and hands to deal with the blockages.  Some spots were painful, some not.  Some took a few pokes, some only one.  Unlike the last treatment, these needles are inserted and removed rather quickly.  

My physician also did some craniosacral work - mainly pressure points on my skull and stretching of my neck to help with my cold and headache. 

I'll go back in a few weeks.

Time to Wii!

needles and pins - part 2

My next appointment focused on Wei Chi.  Much like our immune system, the Wei Chi is located in the skin and is designed to protect us. However, when Wei Chi has been taxed it can turn against us and hurt that which it was designed to protect - like an autoimmune disorder.

The Wei Chi treatment involves several needles entered along the sides of the spine.  If the skin around the needle turns red, toxic energy needs to be released.  This release involves sitting with the needles in your back "cooking" until the redness subsides which can take anywhere from 15 minutes to over an hour.

My areas of redness centered on the lungs and the liver.  The lungs are associated with grief and the liver with a variety of things like thinking too much, planning, etc.  It took about 45 minutes for the redness to subside.  It also took alot out of me.  Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably during most of the treatment.  I guess it's all part of the process.

I go back later this week for the next round.   

needles and pins - part 1

My follow-up appointment went well.  The needles were placed in my hands, wrists, and collar bone.  The left side was mostly painless. In fact it was more like scratching an internal itch I didn't know I had.  The right side was quite a different experience.  Every needle hurt.  Every place was tender.  

Bad news:  Apparently I am unbalanced.

Good news: My inner pulses responded well to the first treatment.

I Don't know why...I don't know why...anymore...oh no.

Putting together a cd of hairband favorites:

Quiet Riot - Cum on feel the noize

White Lion - Little Fighter

Skid Row - I Remember You

Def Leppard - Armageddon It and/or Photograph

Poison - Look What the Cat Dragged In and/or Talk Dirty To Me

Guns n Roses - Sweet Child O Mine and/or Mr. Brownstone

Motley Crue - Smokin In the Boys Room and/or Same Ol Situation and/or Don't Go Away Mad

Journey/Steve Perry - Any Way You Want It

Aerosmith - What It Takes

Tesla - Love Song

Cinderella - Shelter

Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It

KISS - too many to choose from...maybe Detroit Rock City or Shout It Out Loud?

Anything missing? 

Video Killed the Radio Star

So I was waiting for the granite guys most of the day today (our sink came dettached from our counter).  Mostly I was working on booking speakers and scheduling rooms for the next two aging training meetings and doing laundry with VH1 on in the background.  I'm not sure if VH1 has changed their programming, if I am old, or if it's some combination of the two.  The music was decent - some Beyonce, All American Rejects, Thriving Ivory.  The reality tv was mostly entertaining - Love with Ray J or some such, a rerun of Rock of Love Bus.   I remember when VH1 was like MTV but with adult comtemporary Michael Bolton type music and there was no such thing as "reality tv."  

Ding!

Ding fries are done! Ding fries are done! I gotta run! I gotta run!

I found myself singing this the other day while getting ready for work.  Perhaps I should submit an application to BK...or just sit down and start rocking back and forth in the corner with a paper hat on.

How do couples find work simultaneously in the same location without one person getting the shaft?  Is it even possible?  Can't we just move to Siler City and be done with it?

SO busy

Today is the First Day of...

Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again - even if I don't want to.

At times the loneliness is overwhelming - thick and heavy.  The weight of my mistakes crashes down around me. There is no going back.  There is no going home. There is no learning.   

I went for my first acupuncture appointment this morning.  My doctor recommended it as a way to address reoccuring sinus infections.  During the intake process I assumed the physician would talk about sinus and allergy issues and eventually move on to the needles.  I actually had a dream the night before about the needles.  I hate needles.  As I sat down the woman informed me that we will be taking a holistic approach to the treatment.  Then she started asking questions.  At first the questions seemed pretty straight forward- even sinus related...but then the questions became more focused.  For 2 hours we talked about everything imaginable.  It was intense and draining.  I left with a headache that I did not arrive with and my head still hurts.  

I go back for the first treatment later this week.   The can of worms has been opened and there's no turning back...

Moving Sidewalk Ends: Prepare to Step Off.

Bathroom attendents disturb me.  I don't want to interact with people in a public restroom.  I don't want mouthwash or lotion from some public vat.  

Sitting in Phillips Crab House at the Charlotte airport.  Got carded for the first time in a long time.

Realizing I am severely lacking in patience, strength, and stamina.